~Laughter Always Helps~
All Stressed Up
And No One
Federal Employee Performance Evaluations
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standard and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a sign post."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection"
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you gave him a penny for his thought, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out a 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
And "They" can't "Fire Me"
From the book of Corporate Life
Chapter 1 Verses 1-15.
1. In the beginning was the Plan.
2. And then came the Assumptions.
3. And the Assumptions were without form.
4. And the plan was without Substance.
5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
6. And they spoke among thenselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it stinks."
7. And the Workers went unto there Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung and we can't live with the smell."
8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying,
"It is a container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
9. And theManagers went unto their Directors saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant grouth, and it is very strong."
11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the Company with very powerful effects."
13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
14. And the plan became Policy.
15. And that is how SHIT happens.
I Knew That
~Odds and Ends~
One of the hardest things in life to learn, is which bridge to cross, and which bridge to burn.
When you are in a flood, don't worry about your pet fish...
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. - John Lennon
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and irritates the pig.
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Then it's a sport....
Bad spellers of the world UNTIE!!!
Young men remember: The wife lasts as long as the marriage. The ex-wife lasts forever!
I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
The reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.
Why do they rate a movie "R" for "adult language?" The only people I hear using that language are teenagers.
Sign held by a Homeless man: "Why lie? I need a beer."
The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in the insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can get out.
On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: "Blackened bluefish"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a Los Angeles clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Texas funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
I DON'T like "Crackers"
~Your Addicted to Coffee If~
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Is Not Getting What You Want
But Wanting What You Have.
I'm Getting No Where