Found Posted on Church Property

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Nonsmoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"   ---------> (U R)

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine"
(Proverbs 17:22)

Sunday the day of "Rest"

~Top 10 Signs of Job Burn Out~

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with just: "Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to LOGON.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager will go off before the alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

And the number one sign that you are burned out because of work ?

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

I can't help it "Mom"

~Did You Know~

1. The venom in a Daddy Long-Legs spider is more poisonous than a Black Widow's or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws won't open wide enough.

2. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

3. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

5. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

6. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

7. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

8. Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

9. The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas bursting.

10. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents who are present and don't die throughout the movie.

11. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

12. There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

13. It's impossible to get water out of a rimless tire.

14. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

15. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

16. In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.

17. In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic.

18. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

20. Polar bears are left-handed.

21. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

22. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

23. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

24. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

25. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.

26. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

27. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

28. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

29. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

30. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

31. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

32. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

33. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

34. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

35. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

36. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

37. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

38. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

39. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

40. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

41. A snail can sleep for 3 years.

42. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

43. China has more English speakers than the United States.

44. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

45. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1,000 and a size 108.7 acres.

46. The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.

47. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

48. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

49. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

50. No president of the United States was an only child.

51. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

52. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

Dog-Gone I'm "Tired"