~LIFES changing WAYS~

~Life In The 1500's~

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the B.O.

Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".

Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets...dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when they opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold".

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years.

Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".

England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.

So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer"

When the truth hurts, pay "Attention"

I've been "Framed"

~How To Raise A Brat~

Begin from infancy to give your children everything they want. This way they will grow up believing that the world owes them a living.

When they pick up bad words, laugh at them. It will encourage them to pick up guter phrases that will blow the top of your mind off later.

Never give them any spiritual training. Wait until they are 21 and let them decide for themselves.

Avoid the use of the word "WRONG". It may develop a guilt complex. This will condition them to believe later when they are arrested for stealing a car that society is against them and they are being persecuted.

Pick up anything they leave lying around - toys, books, shoes, clothing. Do everything for them so they will be experienced in throwing the responsibility onto others.

Let them read any printed matter they can get their hands on. Silverware and drinking glasses are sterilized, but let their minds feed on garbage.

Quarrel frequently in the presence of the children. Then they won't be too shocked when the home is broken up.

Give the children all the spending money they want. Never let them earn their own. Why should they have things as rough as you had them?

Satisfy their every craving for food, drink, and comfort. See that every desire is gratified Denial may lead to harmful frustration.

Take their part against the neighbours, teachers, and police. They are all prejudiced against your child.

When they get into real trouble, apologize for yourselves by saying, "I never could do anything with them."

Prepare for a life of grief because you are sure to have it.

- Author Unknown

Remember,it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

~Sign of Old Age~

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.You get winded playing cards.

  Your children begin to look middle aged.

You join a health club and you don't go.

You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

  You need glasses to find your glasses.

  You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You sit in a rocking chair and you can't get it going.

You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

Your back goes out more than you do.

  You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.

  Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

You go window shopping and you actually buy the window.

You look for something well built and it has nice legs and it's furniture.

  You talk louder because everyone else seems to be talking so quietly.

When you are gone, and out of site, you never know what they may write.

Ezekial Aikle, East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel
wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace
wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body of
Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
is no business Of yours.

In Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt
find a Penny.

Margaret Daniels, at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet
were killing her,
but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies
the body
of our Anna
Done to death
by a banana
It wasn't the fruit
that laid her low
But the skin
of the thing
that made her go.

Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod
and under the trees
Lies the body
of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here,
there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out
and went to God.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a cemetary in England:
Remember man,
as you walk by,
As you are now,
so once was I,
As I am now,
so shall you be,
Remember this,
and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstome:
To follow you,
I'll not consent,
Until I know,
which way you went.

I need a "Fire Hydrant""