~JOKES and RIDDLES~


Killroy Was Here


~Who Will Win~

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists---A Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate, He stepped to the microphone and said ------------


Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.


The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited--------

Me and Tim a huntin went Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The Redneck Won Hands Down.


~The Lost Rake~

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee, and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?"

The man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies... "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND -THE BUSH!"



~SAYINGS~
You Have Always Wanted To Use

1 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5 I have plenty of intelligence, talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

6 I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7 What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10 Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of calories to burn off.

13 Yes, I am an agent of beelzebub, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14 No, my powers can only be used for good.

15 How about never? Is never good for you?

16 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

17 You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

20 I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21 Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22 My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23 It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

24 At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

27 Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.


His baloney has a first name,
It's "I-did-not-inhale."
His baloney has a second name:
"I-wasn't-getting-tail."
He loves to sling it every day..,
The White House
people all just say..,
That Billy Clinton
has-a-way,
Of mak-ing bullshit sound-O-kay.



~MANS BEST FRIEND~

One autumn day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.

Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man slowly walking along, followed by a dog and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked him who was in the second hearse. "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. Finally, he asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."



Please call the "S.P.C.A."