Where are the "HENS"

Compared To Prison

You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

You get three meals a day.

You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

You get time off for good behavior.

You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

You can watch TV and play games.

You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

You get your own toilet.

You have to share.

They allow your family and friends to visit.

You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

You have unlimited time to read e-mail and jokes.

You get fired if you get caught.

You call this "FUN"

~Woman Golfer~
Offers More Than Apology

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.

She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

~A Woman's Rule of Thumb~

If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

~Right Or Left~
Can Truly Change The Picture

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. A woman
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than 3,000 years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said,

"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically, and the president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word.

The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple.

First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left.

Now, look again. It now says:

"Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman."

~ABE & J.F.K.~
Some Unusual Coincidences

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by southerners.

Both were succeeded by southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald Ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker:

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

{Spooky Isn't It ?}

Please call the "S.P.C.A."