~The Truth~Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, Jake, maintaining a steady vigil by her side.
Will Set You Free
As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said.
"Why do you think I poisoned you ?"
"If voting could really change things, it would be illegal"
~The Wrong Seat~
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
Changes His Name To Shorty
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to stand up, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says.
"You dickhead! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
~Found on Bathroom Wall~If you voted for Clinton in the last election,
you can't take a dump here.
Your asshole is in Washington.
They said I wouldn't like "Retirement"
~Top 12 Things~
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
Not To Say To A Cop
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts ?"
~The Magic Walls~
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
Like the "Hip Action"