Till death do us "Part"

Puts Man On The Spot

A man takes his wife to the stock show at the Royal Agricultural Winter Fair. They start heading down the alley that has the bulls.

They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one too."

They go to the last bull and his sign reads: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "Wow! He mated 365 times last year! That's once a day! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same old cow."

You won't fell a "Thing"

~Don't Make a Nurse Angry~

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, Well, no. I guess I haven't.

"Not with a carnation anyway."

It's not cigaretts it's "Arthritis"


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cutoff the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom...

Lady 1: Where'd you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them,
at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."

The druggist fainted.

Another page to "Guard"

A special thanks to Patrick's Gifs for the graphics on this page.